What's the process of applying for a job at hooters? They just give you a bra and say " Here, fill this up ".

He played last night in a 3-2 win at Carlisle

" I'll never forget my Grandfather's last words to me just before he died. " " Are you still holding the ladder son ? "

Wife: " I want another baby."
Husband: " That's a relief, I also really don't like this one either."

Is it true he managed to let all five goals in….?

If at first you don’t succeed, give up skydiving.

I took our lass out for tea and biscuits, but she wasn’t that keen on the giving blood part.

Your definitely a one off Snowy

When I wake up on the middle of the night, I lay there trying to gnaw through the leather straps on my straight jacket and remember the judge saying those very words.
Very comforting.

That's exactly it Snowy.

How is a push-up bra like a bag of crisps? As soon as you open it, you realise it's only half full.

I thought it was a new perfume for bra’s …cheese and onion…..hmmm don’t knock,it

The trouble with being on the dole is the minute you wake up, you’re on the job!

THE SCOUSER AND THE GAY
At the end of a tiny deserted bar in Liverpool sat a scouser. He was having a few beers, when a short, well dressed, and obviously gay man walked in and sat beside him.
After three or four beers, the gay man got the courage to say a few words to the Scouser. Leaning over towards him, he whispered, "Do you want a blow job?"
At this, the Scouser leaped up with fire in his eyes, and smacked the shit out of the gay man, knocking him swiftly off his stool. He proceeded to beat him all the way out of the bar, before leaving him bruised and battered in the parking lot, and returning to his seat.
Amazed, the bartender quickly brought over another beer to the Scouser, and said, "I've never seen you react like that. What did he say to you?"
"I don't know," the Scouser replied.. "Something about a job."

Our lass can identify 157 cheeses simply by looking at the labels.

For Sale : Parachute, Used once, never opened, small stain.

Man stood at a bus stop throwing his glass eye up and catching it. Woman asks him why you doing that ....Man replies I am looking to see if any empty seats available up top.

A fella took a monkey into a bar, it started jumping all over eating the crisps, nuts etc then it ate a red Pool ball, the fella said to owner don’t worry I will pay for everything which he duly did and left.
He comes back in a few days later with the monkey, it takes a cherry from the cocktail jar sticks it up its a*** then eats it. The owner said why did he do that, fella said trying if for size.

Fella goes to the bar, they have sandwiches for sale, at the bottom of the menu it says Hand Job £10, he asked the barmaid if she does the hand jobs, yes she said.
Wash your hands, I’ll have a cheese sandwich please.

the definition of a lucky man. the kamakasi pilot who flew 5 succesfull missions.

Why is diarrhoea hereditary? It runs in your genes,

What did one sex workers knees say to the other? How come we spend so little time together?.

Bloke was told a certain massage parlour offered ‘other services’ for a price.
He gets his courage up, goes in and asks for a massage. Eventually he’s on the table trying to get the nerve to ask and eventually he blurts out he’d like a hand job…the girl paused, took off her overall and walked to the door and said….”crack on then and I’ll pop out for a fag, just give us a shout when you’ve finished.”.

Heard of a lass who tried French toast and burnt her tongue putting it in the toaster.

went to the barbers to look smart as i knew i was on a promise. he asked me if i wanted something for the weekend. said yes, but all i got was a ticket for the millhouse.

A vegetarian and a vegan jump of a tall cliff together into a raging sea.
Who wins?
Society.

where do muslims in rochdale have their red light district. school playgrounds.

Irishman goes to A&E and the nurse asks him what the problem is.
He points to his forehead and says it hurts there, then points to his knee and says that hurts , then prods his ankle and his right elbow, his right buttock and finally prods his big toe and says that really hurts now. The nurse looks at him and says..’You’ve broken your finger Paddy!’

Two Geordies get a job in a forest as lumber jacks and get kitted out with overalls etc and chain saws. The foreman tells them they each have cut down 70 trees a day….they go out on the first day and are goosed and when they go back ….the foreman asks how many they cut down….they say they cut down 12 each and get told they’ll need to improve on that.
Next day they flog their puddings out and get 15 each…but the foreman is unhappy and says he’ll come out with them to see why they’re getting such a poor return.
They set out next morning and while the Geordies were talking the foreman fired up his chainsaw…immediately the two Geordies spun round and shouted “What’s that bloody noise!”

My mate is the butcher, he was telling me he has a customer named Snowy who pops in 3 times a week with his two dogs. He always buys 2 large serlon stakes and a bag of mince meat. The other day he changed his order to 2 large serlon stakes and 6 sausages. The butcher said are the dogs having a treat then Snowy no me and the wife are sick to death of bloody mince meat.

Bastard!
Er, don’t laugh…our lass gets mince from the butchers and some is kept separate for the Hounds of the Baskervilles.
Ratboy gets a sausage roll from Morrells minus pastry.

Jamie is not a bully

A teacher is teaching a class and he sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so he asks him " If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one,how many are left?Johnny says , " None." The teacher asks " " Why? " Johnny says, " Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, " No, two, but I like you thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, " If you see three women walking out of a ice cream parlor, one licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream,and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, " The one sucking her ice cream. " Johnny says, " No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking! "

A bloke see’s a branch of a new upmarket bar chain called Schindlers Bar has opened and decides to take his wife in for a treat.
They turn up at the door and the door staff enquire about his name and address before he’s allowed in, so he gives them his details.
After checking his screen, the door man refuses the man and his wife entry.
Embarrassed by now the ask why?
The doorman tells him he can’t enter because he’s not on the list.

Part 2
He registers, is accepted and try’s again the following week.
As he approaches the door they refuse him entry again and ask for his name, but say they’ve never heard of him…he tells them he’s a famous jockey and reels off his victories this year at Cheltenham, Epsom, York Doncaster but they still look suspicious…. They then ask who his two guests are…. He tells them they are the owners of the stables where the horses come from..
They doormen then say..” You’re not coming in here with them trainers !

how do you know you have made it as a football manager. do a full season and half the next at both pools and watford.