DR. STRANGELOVE

Or:

How I Learned

To

Stop Worrying

And

Love The

BOMB

CAST

AT BURPELSON AIR FORCE BASE

General Jack D. Ripper.............Base Commander

Major Mandrake.....................Executive Officer to General Ripper

Colonel "Bat" Guano................Battalion Commander

Private Charlie....................Base Security Team

Private Tung.......................Base Security Team

Sergeant...........................Base Security Team

***

IN THE WAR ROOM

Merkin Muffley.....................The President

General "Buck" Schmuck.............Air Force Chief

Admiral Percy Buldike..............Navy Chief

General "Flash" Faceman............Army Chief

Ambassador de Sade.................Enemy Ambassador

Von Klutz )
)
Zlat )
)
Frankenstein )
)
Cadaverly )
)
Didley )................Presidential Aides
)
Turgidson )
)
Crudley )
)
Waffel )
)
Moffo )

WAR ROOM (Continued)

Kulnick )
)................Presidential Aides
Funkel )

Assorted Military Aides - about 30 altogether

M.P. Orderly

Major Nonce........................General Schmuck's Aide

***

IN THE B-90, "LEPER COLONY"

Major "King" Kong................Pilot

Captain "Ace" Angst..............Co-Pilot

Lieutenant.......................Bombardier

Lieutenant Quentin Quiffer.......Defense Systems Officer (D.S.O)

Lieutenant "Binky" Ballmuff......Navigator

Lieutenant Terry.................Radio-Radar

***

OTHERS

Colonel Puntrich.................Air Command Duty Officer

Miss Milky Way...................A Secretary

Miss Pietraszkiewicz.............Switchboard Operator

GENERAL NOTES:

1. The story will be played for realistic comedy -
which means the essentially truthful moods and attitudes
will be portrayed accurately, with an occasional bizarre
or super-realistic crescendo. The acting will never be
so-called "comedy" acting.

2. The sets and technical details will be done realistic-
ally and carefully. We will strive for the maximum
atmosphere and sense of visual reality from the sets and
locations.

3. The Flying sequences will especially be presented
in as vivid a manner as possible. Exciting backgrounds
and special effects will be obtained.

1 MAIN TITLE CARD - A WEIRD, HYDRA-HEADED, FURRY
CREATURE SNARLS AT CAMERA

ROLL-UP TITLE

"NARDAC BLEFESCU PRESENTS"

Dr. Strangelove:

or

How I Learned to Stop Worrying

and

Love the

BOMB

a

MACRO - GALAXY - METEOR PICTURE

1a MOVING SHOT - THROUGH BLACK, STARRY, PERPETUAL
NIGHT OF THE UNIVERSE

The motion is straight ahead; passing at varying distances
are stars, planets, asteroids, moons, aerolites and meteors.
At great distances we see fantastic whirls of light indicating
a vast nebula, or we see the incredible, dazzling billion-star
clusters of another galaxy.

MUSIC - WEIRD, EXTRA-TERRESTRIAL, ELECTRONIC SOUNDS

NARRATOR
The bizarre and often amusing pages
which make up this odd story were dis-
covered at the bottom of a deep crevice
in the Great Northern Desert by members
of our Earth Probe, Nimbus-II.

NARRATOR
Our story begins sometime during the
latter half of Earth's so-called Twentieth
Century. Simple nuclear weapons had been
invented, but used only twice to finish the
so-called Second World War.

The Earth appears ahead of us, continually growing to reveal the
shape of its continents and oceans.

NARRATOR
We deal with the period following this,
which was chiefly marked by the fact that
though every nation feared surprise attack,
the full consequences of nuclear weapons
seemed to escape all governments and their
people.

The Earth is quite close now, its circumference almost filling the
screen.

NARRATOR
The quirkish author of this ancient comedy
seems intentionally to have omitted the names
of specific countries, possibly in the hope it
would land a certain Universality to his theme.

Geographic details fill the screen.

CUT TO

2 DAY - AIR SHOTS - B-90 STING RAY BOMBERS

Magnificent, swept-wing, eight-jet, Mach 2 aircraft.

NARRATOR
In order to guard against surprise attack,
the nation in question kept seventy-five
B-90 Sting Ray bombers air-borne, twenty-
four hours a day. They were armed with
a full load of nuclear weapons.

2a DAY - B-90's TAKING OFF

NARRATOR
As part of this air-borne alert, thirty-five
B-90 Sting Ray bombers of the Air Command's
843rd Bomb Wing left the Burpelson Air Force
Base, fourteen hours before.

3 B-90 STING RAYS - FLYING

NARRATOR
The aircraft were now dispersed from the
Persian Gulf to the Arctic Ocean. They had
only one geographical factor in common.
They were all assigned targets inside enemy
territory.

4 DAY - B-90 "LEPER COLONY" at 30,000 FEET

NARRATOR
One of the 843d's aircraft, the "Leper
Colony," was approaching its Positive-
Control point, Bear Island, a small dot
in the Barents Sea, where it would turn
around and head for home.

5 DOWN VIEW - STING RAY - FLYING SHOT

NARRATOR
Each Sting Ray carried a bomb load of
fifty megatons, or fifty million tons of TNT,
equal to fifteen times the total explosive
force of World War Two, or twenty-five
thousand times the explosive force of the
Atomic bomb dropped on Hiroshima.

6 REAR VIEW - STING RAY - FLYING SHOT

NARRATOR
The long, tense hours which always passed
with such agonizing slowness during the
twenty-four hours of an air-borne alert,
now began to move quicker, as the mission
passed its halfway mark.

7 FRONT VIEW - STING RAY - FLYING SHOT

NARRATOR
The crew of the "Leper Colony" knew they
guarded the peace of the world just as
surely as they knew the price they must
pay within themselves to do it.

8 CU - MAJOR "KING" KONG - PILOT - INT. STING RAY

He is a sharp-eyed, steady veteran flyer.

CAMERA PULLS BACK

showing MAJOR KONG, absorbed in a copy of "Plaything"
magazine and absently munching a sandwich. We feature
a photograph.

PHOTOGRAPH - DOUBLE FOLD OF NUDE BLONDE

Miss Milky Way, Plaything of the Month, a top government
stenographer and part-time model.

CAMERA PULLS BACK - CAPTAIN "ACE" ANGST

showing CAPTAIN "ACE" ANGST, the co-pilot, reading another
copy of "Plaything" and taking healthy bites out of an
apple. He is a lean, bronzed, muscular type.

The plane cruises on auto-pilot.

8a NAVIGATOR - LIEUTENANT "BINKY" BALLMUFF - READS "PLAYTHING"

A burly, hoarse-voiced man in his early thirties, he sips
coffee and chews on his sandwich.

8b RADIO-RADAR- LIEUTENANT TERRY TOEJAM - READS "SUNSHINE
AND LOVE"

A tall, curly-haired, meticulous man in his late twenties,
he nibbles a piece of cake.

8c BOMBARDIER - LIEUTENANT LOTHAR ZOGG - A NEGRO

A short, bull-necked man in his early thirties, smoking
and dunking a cake. He reads "Nitelife" magazine.

8d D.S.O. - LIEUTENANT QUENTIN QUIFFER - READS "HI-JINKS"

The Defense Systems Officer, LIEUTENANT QUENTIN QUIFFER,
a blond, pleasant mid-Westerner. He eats chocolate
crackers from a box.

8e NAVIGATOR - LIEUTENANT "BINKY" BALLMUFF

He idly glances at his charts without putting down his
copy of "Plaything" and snaps his intercom button.

LIEUTENANT BALLMUFF
Three minutes to turning point. Heading
will be three-three-five.
(back to "Plaything")

8f MS - PILOT - MAJOR "KING" KONG

He glances up from his copy of "Plaything" and with the
easy grace of a veteran pilot, leans forward and changes
his gyro heading.

MAJOR KONG
Roger. Heading three-three-five.
(back to "Plaything")

8g CU - RADARSCOPE

There are a number of them. This one is the maximum
search radar. The outer rim of the scope reveals a
small point of light. At the same moment an electronic
tone alarm directs the attention of the D.S.O. from
his reading to the scope.

8h CU - D.S.O. LIEUTENANT QUENTIN QUIFFER LOOKING UP
FROM "HI-JINKS"

He studies the scope calmly and frowns.

8i CU - RADARSCOPE

The D.S.O. moves a strobe marker to the blip.

8j CU - D.S.O.

Quickly figuring on pad.

LIEUTENANT QUIFFER
(routinely)
Bogey at one-four-five, approximately a
hundred and thirty-five miles.

8k CU - NAVIGATOR - LIEUTENANT "BINKY" BALLMUFF

Turning his copy of "Plaything" over so as not to lose
his place, plots a position. We see that the radar
contact is between the "Leper Colony" and the enemy
coast.

LIEUTENANT BALLMUFF
Probably another radar surveillance job.

8l CU - PILOT

Without looking up from his copy of "Plaything".

MAJOR KONG
(absently)
Yes, that's probably what it is.

8m CLOSE RADARSCOPE

The blip suddenly vanishes as the scope goes completely
white.

LIEUTENANT QUIFFER
(calmly)
He's showing off his ECM - jamming us out.

MAJOR KONG
(still absorbed in "Plaything")
I wonder why he's doing that?

LIEUTENANT QUIFFER
I was thinking the same thing. Shall I
give him a taste of ours?

MAJOR KONG
(still reading)
Why should we do that, Quentin?

LIEUTENANT QUIFFER
(goes back to "Plaything")
Yes, I suppose you're right, King.

8n CU - THE CRM - 114

This is the most highly guarded Air Command secret device.
It is an automatic code receiver which displays three
letters and three numerals.

It suddenly whirrs and clicks into life, displaying three
letters and three numerals.

8o CU - LIEUTENANT TERRY TOEJAM

Looks up slowly from his magazine, leans forward and jots
down the coded message. He carefully flips through a
code book.

LIEUTENANT TOEJAM
Major Kong, we got a message from base.

8p CU - PILOT

MAJOR KONG
(still reading)
Good.

8q MS - LIEUTENANT TOEJAM RAPIDLY DECODES THE MESSAGE

LIEUTENANT TOEJAM
I've decoded it, Major Kong.

MAJOR KONG
Good.

LIEUTENANT TOEJAM
It reads: Wing to hold at X-points.

8r CUTS TO CREW

The magazines are lowered in slow motion.

8s CU - BOMBARDIER - LIEUTENANT LOTHAR ZOGG

LIEUTENANT ZOGG
(into intercom)
I wonder why the're doing that.

8t CU - PILOT - MAJOR "KING" KONG

MAJOR KONG
(wisely)
They have their reasons.

8u CU - NAVIGATOR - LIEUTENANT "BINKY" BALLMUFF

LIEUTENANT BALLMUFF
But we've been up fourteen hours. I'm
beat.

8v CUTS TO CREW

Who mumble ad-libs of agreement with the Navigator.
Then slowly, each man goes back to his magazine and
his lunch.

8w CU - LIEUTENANT LOTHAR ZOGG - READING

LIEUTENANT ZOGG
(sighing)
Probably an exercise.

LIEUTENANT TOEJAM
(reading)
Probably.

MAJOR KONG
(reading)
They have their reasons.

VARIOUS CUTS

And now the six-man crew is still again, pondering the
mysteries of beautiful women and calmly digesting their
lunch.

MAJOR KONG
(wistfully to co-pilot)
Ace, do you think she's really a top
government secretary?

He refers to the double fold-out of Miss Milky Way.

CAPTAIN "ACE" ANGST
(cynically)
Yeah, I'll bet she holds the world's
horizontal short-hand record.

SUPERIMPOSE TITLE: "BURPELSON AIR FORCE BASE
HEADQUARTERS 843rd BOMB WING"

9 NIGHT - EXT. MOONLIT VIEWS OF BASE - VARIOUS CUTS

While the Wing is air-borne, the staff work is heavy, and
the ground crews work overtime to refit aircraft. The
runways are clear, and only the giant cicadas and the
occasional whine of an electric tool break the stillness
of the starry desert night.

10 INT. BASE COMBAT OPERATIONS CENTER

It is sunken fifty feet below the administration
building. Six officers man the command bridge.

A loud buzzer.

MAJOR MANDRAKE lifts special phone.

MAJOR MANDRAKE
Combat Operations Center, Major Mandrake
speaking.

GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER
This is General Ripper speaking.

MAJOR MANDRAKE
Yes, sir.

GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER
Do you recognize my voice?

MAJOR MANDRAKE
Certainly, General. Why do you ask, sir?

11 INT. GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER'S OFFICE

Large, plush, part Air Force, part big executive - swank
office decorations and furniture. A name-plate on his
desk reads, "General Jack D. Ripper".

GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER
(sharply)
Why do you think I ask?

MAJOR MANDRAKE
I don't know, sir. We just spoke a few
minutes ago.

GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER
(ruffled)
Youddon't think I'd ask if you recognized
my voice unless it was important, do you,
Major?

MAJOR MANDRAKE
No, sir.

The scene will intercut between MANDRAKE and RIPPER.

GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER
Good. Has the Wing confirmed holding at
X-points?

MAJOR MANDRAKE
Yes, sir.

GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER
All right, Major. I'm putting the base on
condition Red.

MAJOR MANDRAKE
Condition Red!

GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER
That's right. I want this flashed to all
section immediately.

MAJOR MANDRAKE
Yes, sir. What's up, General Ripper?

A significant pause.

GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER
You're a good officer, Major Mandrake. You
have a right to know. It looks like we're in
a shooting war!

MAJOR MANDRAKE
A shooting war!

GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER
Yes, Major. This looks like it's going to be
it.

MAJOR MANDRAKE
But...what kind of a shooting war? Have they
hit any of our cities yet?

GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER
Major, that's all I've been told. Just got
it on the red phone. The base is to be sealed
tight. And I mean tight.

MAJOR MANDRAKE
Yes, sir.

GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER.
That includes all communications and phones -
incoming as well as outgoing.

MAJOR MANDRAKE
What if someone wants to call us?

GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER
Let me worry about that, Major. I've still
got my red line to the Air Command.

MAJOR MANDRAKE
That's right, sir.

GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER
We don't want to be vulnerable to saboteurs
calling up and pretending to be different
people from the President down, do we?

MAJOR MANDRAKE
You're right, sir.

GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER
No calls from inside out. No calls from
outside in are even answered. No calls.

MAJOR MANDRAKE
I understand, sir. Nothing comes or goes
without your personal say-so.

GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER
(harshly)
No calls at all. With or without my say-so.
My voice can be imitated too, Major.

MAJOR MANDRAKE
Yes, sir. I just thought of something,
sir. How do I know I'm talking to you now?

GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER
Who do you think you're talking to?

MAJOR MANDRAKE
To you, sir. But how do I know?

GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER
Are you trying to be insubordinate?

MAJOR MANDRAKE
No, sir.

GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER
I hope not. Now, as soon as you do what
I told you, have Plan-R radioed to the Wing.

MAJOR MANDRAKE
Plan-R????

GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER
Are you hard of hearing, Major?

MAJOR MANDRAKE
No, sir. Plan-R to be radioed to the Wing.

GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER
As soon as you've done that, shut down the
communications center. Lock it up and
assign the personnel to base security details.

MAJOR MANDRAKE
General Ripper, if I shut down the communi-
cations center, there'll be no radio or
teleprinter contact with Air Command head-
quarters or anyone, for that matter.

GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER
Are you questioning my orders, Major?

MAJOR MANDRAKE
No, sir. I'm just bringing the facts to
your attention, sir.

GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER
You're a good officer, Major, and you're
perfectly right to bring these facts to my
attention.

MAJOR MANDRAKE
Thank you, sir.

GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER
Now, as soon as you've done that, double-
up on all base security teams. Our enemies
are plenty smart, and there might even be
an attack on the base by saboteurs.

MAJOR MANDRAKE
Yes, sir.

GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER
And lastly, all privately owned radios
are to be immediately impounded. They can
be used to issue instructions to saboteurs.
Air Police will have lists of all owners.

12 DAY - AIR SHOT - B-90 "LEPER COLONY"

13 DAY - INT. B-90 - VARIOUS CUTS

The crew is still wistfully absorbed in their magazines.

13a CU - CRM-114

It whirrs to life again. Clicking off three letters and
three numerals.

13b CU - LT. TOEJAM - RADIO

He idly glances up at it. Sighs, reaches for his code book
and starts decoding. He frowns.

LT. TOEJAM
Hey, King. Somebody at Burpelson has
a very perverted sense of humor.

MAJOR KONG
(reading)
Yeah?

LT. TOEJAM
I just got another blast on the CRM-114, and
the damned thing decodes: Wing Attack, Plan-R.

13c CU - PILOT - MAJOR "KING" KONG

He looks up pensively.

MAJOR KONG
Wing attack, Plan-R?

13d MASTER SHOT

LT. TOEJAM
Wing attack, Plan-R. That's exactly
what it says.

MAJOR KONG
(lets magazine fall in lap)
Check your code again. No one at base
would pull a stunt like that, Terry.

LT. TOEJAM
That's what I'm doing, and it comes out
the same.

There is a pause as they think of the unthinkable.

LT. "BINKY" BALLMUFF
(standing)
You must have made a mistake.

LT. TOEJAM
That's what it decodes. Come and see for
yourself, Binky. Wing attack, Plan-R.

The whole crew comes up and hunches over the CRM-114.
The plane cruises on auto-pilot.

LT. LOTHAR ZOGG
(softly)
Well, I'll be damned.

LT. TOEJAM
(holding out code book
to pilot)
Here, check it yourself.

13e CU - MAJOR KONG

His cheek muscles twitch under his bronzed face. He is the picture
of leadership. He turns away from the men for a moment, stares
thoughtfully into space, then turns back determinedly.

MAJOR KONG
(with quiet dignity)
Then this is it.

LT. QUIFFER
What?

MAJOR KONG
(solemnly)
War.

LT. QUIFFER
(awe-struck)
War?

CAPTAIN ANGST
(nodding gravely)
Yes, that must be what it is.

LT. BALLMUFF
(aghast)
War?

LT. ZOGG
(stunned)
What else could it be?

LT. QUIFFER
Maybe it's an exercise.

LT. BALLMUFF
Yeah, to see if we're on our toes.

MAJOR KONG
(wisely)
No, they wouldn't send us in with bombs
on an exercise.

LT. QUIFFER
Maybe they want to test our loyalty.

CAPTAIN ANGST
But we got the Go-code. It's never been
given to anyone before.

MAJOR KONG
(scowling)
No, this looks like the real thing.

LT. TOEJAM
(philosophically)
Yeah, it sure looks like the real thing,
all right.

They all soberly reflect on the wider implications of the
news. The BOMBARDIER cracks his knuckles.

LT. ZOGG
(shaking his head)
It's going to be rough on the folks
back home.

LT. BALLMUFF
Yeah - real rough.

They all shake their heads in melancholy agreement.

LT. TOEJAM
I wonder how it started?

CAPTAIN ANGST
Yes, how could it have started?

THE D.S.O. shatter the calm dignity of the crew by raising
his voice.

LT. QUIFFER
The bastards must have hit us!

LT. BALLMUFF
Yeah - but why would they do that,
Quentin?

LT. QUIFFER
How do I know? But they must have. We
wouldn't have started it.

LT. ZOGG
He's right. We wouldn't have started it.

LT. QUIFFER
(beginning to shout)
They must have clobbered some of our
cities already!

LT. ZOGG
He's right. They must have clobbered
some of our cities already.

LT. QUIFFER
The dirty, stinking, rotten, sons of B's!!
They might have clobbered Marge and the

LT. QUIFFER (cont)
kids already!

13f CU - MAJOR KONG

He studies LT. QUIFFER with a jaundiced look.

MAJOR KONG
(John Wayne)
Okay, cut it, Lieutenant Quiffer! If you
speak once more before I give you per-
mission, you'll face a general court
martial when we get back.
(looks around)
And that goes for everyone else.

He pauses for effect.

13g CU - D.S.O.

LIEUTENANT QUENTIN QUIFFER looks down sheepishly.

13h CU - MAJOR KONG

MAJOR KONG
(John Wayne)
Boys, we've got a mission to carry out.
It's not exactly a pleasant one, but our
country's counting on us, and we're not
going to let 'em down.

13i FULL SHOT - THE CREW

LT. QUIFFER
I'm sorry, Major Kong. I guess I was
way out of line.

MAJOR KONG
(extending his hand)
Forget it, Quentin. It can happen to the
best of us. Now let's get squared away.

With various ad libs of agreement, the crew scramble
back to their action stations.

13j VARIOUS SHOTS - CREW

LIEUTENANT BALLMUFF opens a small safe and searches out a
thick 8 x 10 sealed envelope marked "Plan-R", from among a
dozen others.

He shoots an inquiring look to the pilot and gets a nod.
He breaks open the seal and distributes individual folders
to each of the crew.

MAJOR KONG
Give me a first rough course as soon
as you can, Lieutenant Ballmuff.

LT. BALLMUFF
Roughly, one-zero-five. I'll have it
plotted in a minute, Major Kong.

13k MS - MAJOR KONG

He adjusts the gyro, banks the big plane, and opens his folder.

MAJOR KONG
(reading from his folder)
Okay. Check these points. Complete radio
silence. To ensure that the enemy can't
plant false transmissions and fake orders,
the CRM-114 is to be switched into all
receiver circuits. The three code letters
of the period are to be set on the alphabet
dials of the CRM-114, which will in turn
block any transmissions other than those
preceded by the code letters. You got it?

LT. TOEJAM
Roger, I'm setting up the CRM-114.

MAJOR KONG
Primary target the ICBM base at Laputa.
One weapon fused for air burst at ten thou-
sand. Second weapon to be used if first
malfunctions. Otherwise the secondary gets
it - the airfield outside of Karnak. Fused
air burst at ten thousand.

LT. BALLMUFF
I've got the heading, Major. One-three-eight.

MAJOR KONG
Roger. One-three-eight.

While he talks, other CUTS to the crew prepraring for battle.

MAJOR KONG
In about twenty minutes we start losing
height to keep under coastal radar. Cross
in over the coast low-level, continue low-
level on zig-zag legs to primary, and climb
for bomb run.
(pause)
Any questions?

LT. ZOGG
I've got one.

MAJOR KONG
Shoot, Lothar.

LT. ZOGG
Our targets are a missile complex and
an airfield - not cities, right?

MAJOR KONG
That's what I said.

LT. ZOGG
Well, if there's a war, they must have
hit us first.

MAJOR KONG
What's your point, Lothar?

LT. ZOGG
Well, if they hit us first, they've probably
fired off their missiles and got their planes
off the ground already. We'll just be hitting
empty real estate.

MAJOR KONG
Are you saying our order don't make sense?

LT. ZOGG
Hellnno, Major. I was just trying to think
the thing through.

MAJOR "KING" KONG
Lothar, you're down in the pay books as
a bombardier, and you're a damned good
bombardier. In fact, you're the best
damned bombardier in 843rd Wing.

14

15

15a COLONEL PUNTRICH

He sits at a table
a phone. Six other officers are around him.

COLONEL PUNTRICH
Hello? This is Colonel Puntrich of Air
Command Headquarters. Please connect
me with General "Buck" Schmuck.

16 NIGHT - EXT. MODERN HOTEL

DISSOLVE

17 SWITCHBOARD IN HOTEL

The night GIRL is reading a paperback murder mystery.

SWITCHBOARD OPERATOR
I'm sorry, sir. General Schmuck is
asleep and he isn't taking calls until
eight-thirty.

COLONEL PUNTRICH
What is your name, young lady?

SWITCHBOARD OPERATOR
Ceida Pietraszkiewicz.

COLONEL PUNTRICH
What did you say?

SWITCHBOARD OPERATOR
Ceida Pietraszkiewicz...P...I...E...
T...R...A...S...Z...K...I...E...W...
I...C...Z.

COLONEL PUNTRICH
(he pronounces it perfectly)
Now look here, Miss Pietraszkiewicz,
this is Air Command Headquarters
calling.

DISSOLVE

18 OMITTED

19 NIGHT - INT. HOTEL ROOM - GENERAL "BUCK" SCHMUCK

Phone rings. He wakes slowly, coughing from too many
cigarettes. He snaps on the bed lamp and picks up the
phone. The night table contains tissues, nose drops, and
a glass of water. There is a pretty blonde asleep in the
next bed, Miss Milky Way, Plaything of the Month!

GENERAL SCHMUCK
(angrily)
Yes!

COLONEL PUNTRICH
General Schmuck?

GENERAL SCHMUCK
Yes! Who the hell is this?

Miss MILKY WAY, about nineteen, appears from under the
blankets of the adjoining twin bed. She yawns and stretches,
revealing her astonishing body. She is indeed the same girl
we saw featured in the "Plaything" fold-out-inside the B-90.

COLONEL PUNTRICH
This is Colonel Puntrich, sir. Duty officer
at Air Command. I'm sorry to disturb you,
sir.

MILKY WAY
(yawning)
Who is it, Buck, honey?

GENERAL SCHMUCK
(covering mouthpiece)
Go back to sleep, baby.

COLONEL PUNTRICH
What did you say, sir?

She smiles, crosses over next to the General, and begins
playing with his ear. He shrugs her off, playfully.

GENERAL SCHMUCK
I didn't say anything. What's the meaning
of disturbing me at this hour, Colonel?

COLONEL PUNTRICH
General Schmuck, we monitored a trans-
mission about six minutes ago from Burpelson
Air Force Base, HQ 843rd Wing. It was
apparently directed to their Wing on air-
borne alert. It decoded as - Wing attack,
Plan-R.

She begins kissing his neck.

GENERAL SCHMUCK
Colonel, you're not drunk, are you, man?

COLONEL PUNTRICH
No, sir.

GENERAL SCHMUCK
Then why bother me with this nonsense?
Get in touch with the base commander.

She pulls him flat on the bed.

COLONEL PUNTRICH
We tried to contact General Jack D. Ripper
at the base, but all their communications
are dead, sir.

She sprawls on top of him.

GENERAL SCHMUCK
Well, that's ridiculous. If the teleprinter
and radio links are out of order, just pick
up a phone and pay for a call.

COLONEL PUNTRICH
I know it sounds crazy, sir, but we tried,
and nobody answers any of the telephones.

GENERAL SCHMUCK sits up.

GENERAL SCHMUCK
Does the threat board show anything?

COLONEL PUNTRICH
Well, that's the funny part of it, too,
sir. It doesn't show a damned thing.

20 NIGHT - EXT. LONG SHOT - BURPELSON AIR FORCE BASE

Buttoning-up activity continues as the men listen to the
GENERAL's broadcast echoing on a public address system.

GENERAL RIPPER
(public address system)
I want to impress on you the need for
watchfulness. A commie will try any
trick to breach the security on this
base.

21 PERIMETER FENCE - 10-MAN SECURITY DETAIL

Digging in a machine gun about ten yards outside fence.
The riflemen are spread out at 5-year intervals and are
digging foxholes.

GENERAL RIPPER
(p.a.)
He may come individually, or he may come
in strength. He may come in the uniform
of our own troops.

22 ANOTHER AREA - PERIMETER FENCE - 8-MEN SECURITY DETAIL

They set up another light-machine gun. A squad of riflemen
dig in too.

GENERAL RIPPER
(p.a.)
Trust no one, whatever his rank, who is not
known to you personally.

23 AIR POLICE - INT. HANGAR

Collecting radios.

GENERAL RIPPER
(p.a.)
Anyone or anything that approaches within
two hundred yards of the perimeter is to
be fired upon - without challenge.

24 INT. COMMUNICATIONS CENTER - MAJOR MANDRAKE

The last of the staff are leaving.

GENERAL RIPPER
(p.a.)
There are to be no exceptions to these
orders. Last of all, I want to say I know
all of you are worrying about your families
here on the base and all over the country.

25 INT. GENERAL RIPPER'S OFFICE

GENERAL RIPPER
Well, you can be sure other men are
defending your families elsewhere with
the same unyielding spirit we're going
to show here at Burpelson. Good luck
to you all.

RIPPER flicks the mike button and sinks wearily back
into his chair. He lights a cigarette and inhales
with satisfaction.

26 INT. COMMUNICATIONS SECTION - MAJOR MANDRAKE

Snaps off his desk lamp and walks down the long, deserted
room, double-clicking various power switches.

He picks up a small transistor radio and idly snaps it on.
A pop song ends and a disc jockey begins his commercial.

26a CLOSE - MAJOR MANDRAKE

He tunes in a few other stations. All programs are normal.

MANDRAKE frowns, thinks for a moment, and suddenly dashes
out of the room.

27 NIGHT - EXT. IMPRESSIVE GOVERNMENT BUILDING

Key personnel begin to arrive in cars which screech to stop.

28 NIGHT - INT. GOVERNMENT BUILDING HALL - VARIOUS SHOTS

Officers hurrying to their tasks. M.P.'S guard re-
stricted areas.

29 INT. WAR ROOM - (SEE PHOTO)

30 INT. WAR ROOM COMMAND BRIDGE

A very large conference room. One wall is an enormous
soundproof glass panel opening onto the various electronic
displays in the War Room.

Enter, PRESIENT MERKIN MUFFLEY, in a fury.

Rising around a very large, polished wood conference table
are the Chiefs of Staff, Army, Navy, and Air Force, as well
as various military and civilian senior aides - about
twenty altogether.

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
(seething)
Good morning, gentlemen. Please sit
down.

They sit. There are readable nameplates in front of each
officer.

GENERAL "BUCK" SCHMUCK
Good morning, Mister President.

The PRESIDENT scowls.

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
Now, what the hell's going on?

Four-Star Air Force General, "BUCK" SCHMUCK, stands and
assumes his maximum dignity.

GENERAL "BUCK" SCHMUCK
Well, Mister President.

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
What kind of trouble?

GENERAL "BUCK" SCHMUCK
Well, sir, about forty-six minutes ago one
of my base commanders, General Jack D. Ripper,
sent out attack orders to the thirty-four B-90's
of the 843rd Bomb Wing, under his command.

Note: 1. The name Schmuck appears on page 1431 of the 1961-62
Manhattan Telephone Directory.

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
General Schmuck?

GENERAL "BUCK" SCHMUCK
Yes, sir. He issued attack orders to --

A paroxysm of seizes the President, MERKIN MUFFLEY, as he
pounds his fist on the table, knocking over his nameplate.

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
May I be stupid enough to inquire WHY IN
HELL THE BASE COMMANDER OF THE 843d BOMB
WING DID A THING LIKE THAT ???

GENERAL "BUCK" SCHMUCK
To be perfectly honest, Mister President, we
really aren't sure.

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
You aren't sure!

GENERAL "BUCK" SCHMUCK
Not exactly, sir. You see, Colonel Puntrich
at Air Command HQ received a call from him
about twenty minutes ago. He asked General
Ripper if he had issued the Go-code and the
attack order, and General Ripper said:
(he reads from a
piece of paper)
"Sure, the orders came from me. They're
on their way in, and I advise you to get
the rest of Air Command in after them.
My boys will give you the best kind of
start, and you sure as hell won't stop
them now." Then he hung up.

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
Damn it! Damn it! I've been telling
you all for years you've got too damned
many psychoes in the service.

GENERAL "BUCK" SCHMUCK
Be fair, Mister President. Didn't we
initiate the Human Reliability tests
for all personnel handling nuclear
weapons?

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
Buck, when I told you to give them
right up to the top, you said we
couldn't insult a general officer
by asking him to pass a test to
see if he's a psycho.

GENERAL SCHMUCK
It was a honest mistake, sir.

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
I presume the planes are armed?

GENERAL SCHMUCK
I'm afraid so, Mister Presient.
Being part of the air-borne alert,
each plane is carrying a full
load - about fifty megatons apiece.

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
Well, what about the Positive Control,
the safety catch? Don't the planes
automatically come back unless they
get a second order?

GENERAL SCHMUCK
That's right, sir. But the planes
were at their Positive Control
points, ready to turn around when
General Ripper issued the final
Go-code.

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
And I suppose there's some reason
why you haven't recalled them?

GENERAL SCHMUCK
Yes, sir. The base commander,
General Ripper, selected Plan-R?

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
What the hell is Plan-R?

GENERAL SCHMUCK
Well, sir, Plan-R is an emergency
plan to be used by lower echelon
commanders if higher echelons
have been knocked out by a sneak
attack.

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
Why can't you cancel it?

GENERAL SCHMUCK
Once the orders have been given,
Plan-R requires any new orders
to be received on the CRM-114
in the aircraft. But the CRM-114
will not receive any transmissions
unless they are preceded by the
proper three-letter code group.

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
And I suppose you're going to
tell me you don't know what the
three-letter code is.

GENERAL SCHMUCK
Mister President, to guard
against espionage, the three
letter of the code group for
Plan-R are always selected
by the lower echelon commander
himself, just before each
mission. They are sealed in
the various attack plans and
are known only to the lower
echelon commander and his
deputy. In this case the
deputy is air-borne with the
Wing, and General Ripper
refuses to recall the planes.

The PRESIDENT shakes his head, wrathfully.

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
How soon until the enemy finds
out what's going on?

GENERAL SCHMUCK
We estimate the planes should
be entering their coastal radar
cover in about twenty-five min-
utes.

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
How could you let this happen,
General Schmuck?

GENERAL SCHMUCK
Mister President, I know you
think I've let you down, but
we had to have a Plan-R. If
we completely centralized the
command and control, all a
potential aggressor would
have to worry about was knock-
ing out maybe half a dozen
headquarters and the Capitol,
and we'd be out of business.
We'd have planes and missiles
just sitting there while we
were getting clobbered.

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
Then there's no chance for
recall?

GENERAL SCHMUCK
I should say practically none,
though we have our communications
center plowing through every
possible three-letter combination.
The trouble is that there are
about seventeen thousand permutations,
and it will take us approximately
four and a half days to go through
them all.

There is a knock at the door.

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
Yes, what is it?

M.P. CAPTAIN
Excuse me, sir. But the mess
orderlies are outside with the
breakfasts everyone ordered.

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
(waspishly)
Captain, do you think the mess
orderlies would mind waiting
a few minutes until we have
finished our little meeting?

M.P. CAPTAIN
(confused)
No, sir...I mean, yes, sir.
I'm sure they wouldn't.

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
(shouts)
Thank you, Captain. Now
shut the damned door!

He shuts the door.

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY (Cont)
I want to talk to the base
commander, what's his name?

GENERAL SCHMUCK
General Jack D. Ripper, sir.

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
I want to talk to General Ripper.

GENERAL SCHMUCK
But we can't communicate with
the base.

The PRESIDENT leans back and thinks for a moment.

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
General Faceman, are there any
troops stationed near the base
who are not under General Ripper's
command?

All eyes go to GENERAL "FLASH" FACEMAN, the Army Chief.

GENERAL "FLASH" FACEMAN
I believe so, Mister President.

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
(in burning sarcasm)
Is it possible for you to
know definitely, General?

GENERAL "FLASH" FACEMAN
Yes, sir. I can confirm it, but
I believe there's a Special Services
outfit stationed just on the other
side of town, about seven miles
away.

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
General Faceman, I want you to get
on the phone yourself and speak to
the officer in charge --

GENERAL FACEMAN
Yes, sir.

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
(rapid fire)
Please don't say "yes, sir" until
I've finished speaking. Tell him
to get himself and his men moving
immediately. I don't even want
them to waste time dressing. Just
have them carry their weapons and
ammunition, and move 'em out by
any available means of transportation.
If they don't have enough vehicles,
commandeer cars off the highway.
I want them there within fifteen
minutes. And if he can't get them
all there, get as many as he can.
I want them to enter the base, locate
General Ripper, and immediately put
him in telephone contact with me.
You understand, don't you, General?

GENERAL FACEMAN
(starts out of room)
Yes, sir. One thing, Mister President.

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
Yes?

GENERAL FACEMAN
Under a condition red alert, the
base will probably be sealed off
and defended by the base security
troops.

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
I am aware of what a condition
red alert implies.

GENERAL FACEMAN
Well, sir, they may not allow
the Special Service troops to
enter the base.

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
(sarcastically)
That's a very wise deduction,
General.

GENERAL FACEMAN
Thank you, sir. But what shall
I tell them to do if they are
denied entrance?

The PRESIDENT rocks in his chair looking as if he were about
to explode.

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
Under the circumstances, General,
what would you think they should
do?

GENERAL FACEMAN
Well...I suppose penetrate the base
by force.

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
You see, you knew the answer all
the time, General.

GENERAL FACEMAN
But that would mean some of our
own boys will get hurt, Mister
President.

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
What do you suppose is going to
happen if General Ripper's planes
start bombing their targets?

GENERAL FACEMAN
That certainly would be a problem,
sir.

CADAVERLY
Mister President, how do you feel
about Civil Defense?

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
Civil Defense...Hm-mmm...We don't
want to cause an unnecessary panic.

CADAVERLY
Shall we allow the situation to
mature a bit, sir?

PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
Yes, I think that's the wisest
policy for the moment.

31 EXT. FLYING SHOT - B-90 STING RAY

Tilting down toward the sea.

32 INT. B-90

LT. BALLMUFF
(navigator)
Make rate of descent fifteen hundred
per minute. That should slide us in
nicely under their radar cover.

MAJOR KONG adjusts trim, throttling back slightly to maintain
correct speed. We see the rate of descent indicator steady
at 1500, speed steady at Mach one-three on the Machmeter.

MAJOR KONG
Steady at fifteen hundred per minute.
Speed steady at Mach one-three.

The navigator, LT. BALLMUFF, glances at his Ground Position
Indicator, on which certain of the pilot's instruments are
duplicated.

LT. BALLMUFF
Roger, maintain.

MAJOR KONG
Lothar, take your checks now.

LT. ZOGG
Okay, Major.

LT. ZOGG, the Negro bombardier, is sitting in the midst of
his equipment, which comprises several radioscopes and a
battery of buttons and switch gear, as well as several banked
rows of lights. He goes through the checks quickly, at ease
wit the familiar equipment and a familiar task.

LT. ZOGG
Main search radar all green. Set for
maximum range, maximum sweep.

Again CUT between the pilot and bombardier, as bombardier
calls each piece of equipment in turn, and pilot checks them
on his list.

LT. ZOGG
Both electronic detectors set to swing
from stud A through H.

We see, on the bulky electronic detector, a small rotor
arm moving rapidly through the sequence of stud settings,
and flicking back to start again.

MAJOR KONG
A through H is correct.

LT. QUIFFER
(D.S.O.)
Main interference linked to electronic
detector. Fight interference on readi-
ness state.

MAJOR KONG
Check.

LT. QUIFFER
Missile and plane flight path computer
showing four greens.

We see the four lights winking on an off in rotation
on the computer.

MAJOR KONG
Check.

LT. QUIFFER
Zombies set to knock out local air
defense four hundred miles from
primary.

LT. ZOGG
Target approach radar tuning is right.
All approach transparencies are checked,
one through twenty-five.

We see bombardier take one of the transparencies, slide it over
approach radarscope.

MAJOR KONG
Check target approach.

LT. ZOGG
Bomb doors circuit is green, bomb
release circuit is green, bomb fusing
circuit is green.

MAJOR KONG
Check, all bomb circuits green. Okay,
Lothar.

LT. ZOGG
When do you want to arm the bomb for
the primary, Major?

MAJOR KONG
As soon as I've checked over the route.
About five minutes. All right?

LT. BALLMUFF
In thirty seconds count-down clock should
read eight-three minutes, King.

32a COUNT-DOWN CLOCK

Pilot's hand sets clock to "83"

33 DAWN - LS - BURPELSON AIR FORCE BASE

All the security details are in position, and everything is covered by
a peaceful hush.

34 CU - GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER POINTING A 45 AUTOMATIC - INT. HIS OFFICE

He gestures with the gun in a weirdly amiable way.

GENERAL RIPPER
Sit down, Major Mandrake.

34a MASTER SHOT

MAJOR MANDRAKE closes the door behind him and sits.

MAJOR MANDRAKE
(smiling nervously)
What's the gun for, General Ripper?

GENERAL RIPPER
Please don't take any notice of this
weapon, Major. I love all weapons, and
as of late, I've just taken to keeping
a loaded weapon nearby at all times.

MAJOR MANDRAKE
(laughs shakily)
Sort of like a new hobby, huh, General?

GENERAL RIPPER
That's right, Major.

MAJOR MANDRAKE still holds the little transistor radio which softly
plays a rock and roll tune. He smiles, idiotically.

GENERAL RIPPER
(softly)
I see you're playing your radio, Major.
Isn't that contrary to my instructions
for the personnel of this base?

MAJOR MANDRAKE
Oh, it's not my radio, sir. I picked it
up in the communications center.

GENERAL RIPPER
I didn't mean for anyone to play anyone else's
radio either, Major.

MAJOR MANDRAKE
Yes, sir. General, can I ask a question?

GENERAL RIPPER
Certainly, Major Mandrake. You're a
good officer, and you can ask me a question
any time you want to.

MAJOR MANDRAKE
Well, General Ripper, sir -- I was
thinking -- we're on a condition red,
aren't we?

GENERAL RIPPER
That is correct, Major.

MAJOR MANDRAKE
And a condition red means enemy attack
in progress, doesn't it?

GENERAL RIPPER
You know the regulations well, Major.

MAJOR MANDRAKE
Well, sir, I was thinking, if an enemy
attack is in progress, how come the radio's
still playing music? It's supposed to go
off, and all we should hear are Civil Defense
broadcasts.

GENERAL RIPPER
That's a good question, Major. Maybe if you
think hard, you can think of the answer
yourself.

MAJOR MANDRAKE
(timidly)
Well, I was thinking, maybe an enemy attack
is not in progress?

GENERAL RIPPER
And if that were true?

MAJOR MANDRAKE wrinkles his forehead apprehensively.

MAJOR MANDRAKE
(cautiously)
But then, sir, why have you issued the order:
Wing attack, Plan-R?

GENERAL RIPPER
Because I thought it proper, Major. Why else
would you think I'd do it?

34b CU - MAJOR MANDRAKE - AS THE FULL TRUTH SINKS IN

MAJOR MANDRAKE
You mean you are...starting...the War,
sir?

34c MASTER SHOT

GENERAL RIPPER
Suppose that were the case?

MAJOR MANDRAKE
(awe-struck)
But -- why...that would be an awful
thing to do, sir.

GENERAL RIPPER
Perhaps, Major. Perhaps. Pour me a
scotch and soda, please. And help yourself
to whatever you like.

MAJOR MANDRAKE rises unsteadily and goes to the built-in wall bar.

GENERAL RIPPER
Don't fret about it, Major. There's nothing
anyone can do about it now. I'm the only
one who knows the three-letter code group
for the CRM-114.

MAJOR MANDRAKE
I know that, sir.

GENERAL RIPPER
We've come a long way since World War II,
Major. And the lessons we've learned are
all in Plan-R.

MANDRAKE's hands tremble as he pours the drinks.

MAJOR MANDRAKE
I suppose they are, sir.

GENERAL RIPPER
You're damned right they are.

MAJOR MANDRAKE
How much soda, sir.

GENERAL RIPPER
Just a squirt.

He gives a squirt.

MAJOR MANDRAKE
That about right?

GENERAL RIPPER
(accepting drink)
Perfect. Thank you, Major. And now
let's drink a toast.

MAJOR MANDRAKE pours himself a big slug and keeps it straight.

MAJOR MANDRAKE
(raising his glass)
What shall we drink to, sir?

GENERAL RIPPER
(with the eyes of a zealot)
To peace on earth.

They touch glasses.

MAJOR MANDRAKE
General Ripper, can I ask another question?

GENERAL RIPPER
Ask away, Major.

MAJOR MANDRAKE
Well, General -- I was wondering, why are
you doing this? I mean why do you want to
start the war?

GENERAL RIPPER
I've given it alot of thought, Major. Don't
think I haven't.

MAJOR MANDRAKE
No, sir. I mean I didn't think you hadn't
given it a lot of thought.

GENERAL RIPPER
Do you remember what Clemenceau once said
about war?

MAJOR MANDRAKE
I don't think so, sir.

GENERAL RIPPER
He said war was too important a matter
to be left to Generals.

MAJOR MANDRAKE
I see.

GENERAL RIPPER
When he said it, fifty years ago, he might
have been right. But today, war is too
important to be left to the politicians. Do
you follow me, Major?

MAJOR MANDRAKE
I'm trying to, sir.

GENERAL RIPPER
You see, Major, at this very moment, while
we sit and chat, a decision is being made by
the President in the War Room. He knows
that the enemy will pick up our planes on their
radar in about twenty minutes.

MAJOR MANDRAKE
But when they do, sir, won't they hit back
with everything they've got?

GENERAL RIPPER
If we haven't taken any further action, they