Why was Cinderella so bad at football She kept running away from the ball ( told to me by my 4yr old grandson )

Knock knock…Who’s there?

The Gestapo!

The Gestapo who…?

We ask the questions!

What do you call a well balanced horse.....stable.

What you call a sheep jumping up and down on a trampoline..... A Woolly Jumper

Hartlepool United kept a clean sheet on Saturday son/daughter.

Great joke when you have a pair of leather gloves to belt someone round the face with when you scream the punch line at them!

I’ve got a pair of them in the car for walking the dogs, might try it on the wife… on second thoughts, nah.

When they sing ‘you’ll never walk alone in Liverpool’ is it an anthem or crime prevention advice?

Never buy a Rolex Watch in Liverpool town centre from a breathless man.

liverpool. the only city were fictional detectives are seen as the baddies and kids go home crying if they have to play a cop in a game of cops and robbers.

Why does the Mersey Run through Liverpool

Because if it walked it be Mugged

Liverpool Hook a Duck and win... Na Hook a Car Key through the letter box and win a car.

Twats took my Focus and Housemates 206..

What do you call a Scouser in a suit? The accused.

What did the paper clip say to the magnet I find you very attractive

What does a perverted frog say? " Rubbit "

They say during sex you burn off as many calories as running eight miles. Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds

How do you make a Snooker Table laugh...


Put your hand down it's pocket and tickle its balls

" The doctor give me 1 year to live, so I shot him with my gun. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved

Paddy got back to his digs, landlady said the bulb needed changing in the dining room, no problem said Paddy as he stood on the highly polished dining table with his muddy boots. Landlady said here I will put some paper under your feet, he replied no its ok I can reach it.

bloke goes to the doctor as he feels a bit under the weather. doctor tells him he has got HIV 659 with a week to live. goes home tells his wife who takes him to bingo. he wins every game and the manager comes up saying what a lucky bastard he is. his reply was lucky i have only a week to live as i have HIV 659. to which the manager replies, its getting worse you have won the raffle as well.

What do boobs and toys have in common? They were both made for kids, but dad's end up playing with them.

" Today on a drive out, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face. My parents are the very worst possible "

I call my dog Everton...... he can't hold onto a lead.

Hear about the first restaurant to open on the moon? Great food but no atmosphere.

Bloke goes to the doctors and the only person there is woman with badly grazed knees and elbows. He eventually asks about the women’s injuries and asks if she’d fallen of her bike she embarrassingly says she did it whilst having sex doggy fashion.
The bloke consoles her and say it would be wiser in future if she restricted herself to the usual position , she said she’d love to, but the dog’s breath stinks.

" Just read someone in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor b*stard "

Miss Scunthorpe.

That's not a beauty queen, just f***ing good travel advice.

They say carbon monoxide poisoning is the biggest killer in the home, but surely Fred and Rose were the biggest killer in the West household…..?

Whoever says what goes up must come down has never stuck a pineapple up their arse.

" Son: " Dad, did you get the results of the DNA test back yet ? "

Dad: " Call me George from now on "

" My husband and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does please send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow "

What is the worst combination of illnesses? Alzheimers and diarrhoea, You're running but cant remember where.

The only thing that kept me and the wife together was the fact that neither of us wanted custody of the kids.

You proper make me giggle you definitely a little bit crazy

Farmer to Postman: "Have you got a letter for Mike Howe?"
Postman: "No I haven't got a letter for your cow"

Went to the dentist he warned it was going to hurt. He told me he is having an affair with my wife.

That alright, I been having an affair with someone called Tanya aka your receptionist

Err, hang on that's my WIFE

Yeah I know

Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time

when rochdale got relegated last year it was the first time on record the combined IQ of the town was higher than dales points for the season.

We must all do our bit to save the planet, I just unplugged a row of electric cars which weren’t being used.

Guessing thats a wind up Jamie

Nun goes into a greengrocers, checks all the cucumbers and selects one.
After paying the greengrocer she goes to walk out the door, but the greengrocer shouts to her would she like another one in case she fancies a salad later.

The other day my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I passed her a glue stick by mistake. She still isn't talking to me after a week