Last night me and our lass stopped at her mates' in the Urmston area of Manchester. In the very busy local pub, I spotted a couple of seats we could squeeze into. I asked a bloke at the table if the seats were taken. 'No, sit down. Where are you from then?'

It turns out he used to work for Expanded Metal, and virtually lived in Hartlepool for about ten years during the late eighties/early nineties, stopping at either the Grand or Marine hotels during the week.

He said he really enjoyed his time in the town, and still has a lot of friends there. He developed a dislike for people from Borer ('scum'), but saved all his bile for geordies. He said 'They're just like scousers, full of charm and bullshit, but as soon as your back is turned they'll nick anything. Fecking hate them.'

He reckoned some of the pubs were the roughest he's ever been in anywhere in the country.

Once he played a trick on a team of London managers when they came up to the town, by arranging to meet them in the Brus Arms one afternoon.

He told them that to ingratiate themselves with the locals, it was customary to go to the bar and ask very loudly, 'which one of youse thick bastads hung the monkey then?'.

Unfortunately someone at Expamet (a Hartlepudlian as it happens) got wind of this and intercepted the southerners before they got in the pub. Shame really, I can imagine the headlines and story in the Mail describing a brawl, and why it kicked off.

He was a top bloke. I think his name was Brian, but unfortunately his mate who I ended up sitting next to was a complete two-pint screamer tit. His wife constantly had to keep him in check, as he was slavering continually.

He reckoned Rochdale's ground didn't accomodate 3,000 away fans, Pools were relegated last year after only one season in League One, Phil Neville scored the own goal on Saturday on purpose, and Everton were relegated to the 2nd division in the 70s. His only redeeming feature was that he was a Man City rather than United fan.

the best thing to do in a situation like that is to confound everybody. Punch the f-ucker right in the face.