Apologies if you have read it before somewhere

Nelson: "Order the
signal Hardy."
Hardy: "Aye aye sir."
Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning
of this?"
Hardy: Sorry sir."

Nelson (reading the signal aloud): "England expects every person to do his
or her duty, regardless of
race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What
gobbledegook is this?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy I'm afraid sir. We're an equal oppurtunities
employer now. We had the devil's own job geting England past the censors, lest
it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks Hardy hand me my pipe."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free
working environments."

Nelson: "In that case break out the rum ration. Let's splice the mainbrace
to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished Admiral as part of the
governments policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it
.......... full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch
of water sir."

Nelson: Damn it man. We're on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We
must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible sir."
Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest sir. No harness,
and, they say the rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up
there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up wheelchair access to the foredeck
Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access ? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and Safety again sir. We have to provide a barrier free
environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled ? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse
even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of Admiral by
playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas
of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next. Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too sir. Health and Safety won't let
the crew up the riggings without hard hats. Also they don't want anyone
breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts ?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Tell the crew to break out the
cannon and stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone Admiral."

Nelson: "What ? This is mutiny."

Hardy: "It's not sir. It's just that the men are afraid of being charged
with murder if they actually kill someone. There are a couple of legal-aid
lawyers onboard watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually sir we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now.
According to the Common Fisheries Policy we shouldn't even be in this stretch
of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying
that sir. You'll be on a disciplinary report.
"

Nelson: "You must consider everyman an enemy who speaks ill of your
king."

Hardy: "Not anymore sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age.
Now sir, put on your Kevlar vest. It's the rules and it could save your
life."

Nelson: "Don't tell, me Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum, the
lash and sodomy?"

Hardy: "As I explained sir, rum is off the menu and there's a ban on
corporal punishment, something to do with human rights."

Nelson: "What about sodomy ?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal sir."

Nelson: " In That case .............................. Kiss me Hardy."

It would be even funnier if it wasn't so accurate.