I’m the kayak man it’s Hartlepool I’m from
I paddled off the beach one December
I was on the briny foam and forgot to set off home
And after that I really can’t remember
Eeeee what a shock when my kayak hit the rocks
I splashed about in waters very tidal
Then it came into my mind I’d be very hard to find
Up the Panama Canal without a paddle

Oh dear it was last Monday
Got the same treatment as Ronnie Kray
Porridge for breakfast on an old tin tray
The Magistrates sent me off to Durham gaol

In the kayaking world it’s really quite absurd
To think the North Sea is the place for floating
But if you’re going to pull a scam and you don’t give a damn
It’s as good as any place to sail your boat in
To the man from the Pru I said its you I’m gonna’ screw
I’ve paid in enough, send me some dollars
On the news of me wreck, they sent a great big cheque
And that’s the reason why the police have felt me collar.

I’m the Kayak man and it’s really hit the fan
Now that I’m not a missing person
There’s been a bit of strife since me lovely darling wife
Told a different story to my version.
It wasn’t in the plan for the photographing man
To splash me portrait sunning on the isthmus
But there it was to see and the magistrates agreed
Durham gaol is where I’m gonna’ spend me Christmas.

As for me darling wife she’s the jewel of me life
But now I wish that she wasn’t quite as chatty
Her talk was overheard and now I’m doing bird
And Durham gaols the venue and it’s tatty
It gives me great elation that I’m the talk of the nation
But you know I’m not the first to do it
I’d give the money back but there was a horseracing track
And because of a dodgy tip I went and blew it.

Apologies to Jez