Where I work car parking spaces are limited between all the offices, but my company has enough spaces to cover all their employees. However you always get cheeky feckers parking in our spots even though we have signs up.

I went to the supermarket for me dinner today, and when I came back there were two cars in our spaces. So I parked across them to block them in, and put a note on me windscreen saying there were parked in the wrong place. This was so I could give them a friendly warning that they would be clamped if they did it again.

After half an hour or so one of the car owners sheepishly rang the intercom and apologised, but the other one astonished me.

He said that I was taking a liberty by blocking him in, and that I was well out of order. I laughed at him thinking he was taking the piss, but then I realised he was serious.

I've sometimes thought that I should pick a day where I do what the feck I like, as it seems to work for some people.

Sometimes when I come across people who have no respect and cannot be reasoned with I wish I was a big violent looking type of fecker to see if that might make them behave in a polite respectful way or have a sensible discussion.

More often than not in these situations they are the huge violent looking fecker so I tend to go away sheepish and humiliated.

I'm not a violent looking fecker but down here laying on a thick Poolie accent often gets people on their toes. Our lass has by far the best confrontational accent going - Glaswegian. It's a good job really as she works in a psychiatric ward!

So that's where you met!

The old accent thing and North East reputation is a good one though, remember getting into a little scrape outside a nightclub in Leeds about 10 years ago and one of my mates shouting (at one of the huge violent looking feckers coincidentally) "We're from the North east you know!!!!" as if that was going to scare him off because he obviously judged by looking at us that despite this fact we were also as soft as shite!

Must admit you can't beat the old Glaswegian accent for purely natural intimidation effect!

At festivals the security we had for years looking after the bars were based in Glasgow and Tom, the owner, wouldn't employ anyone from South of the Border. I've seen quite young unimpressive people get exactly what they wanted from lairy drunk/drugged festivals goer's purely because of the accent.

'Oot!!!' usually gets it. Followed by 'Balloon...... '

surely there is a "HEY LADDIE " that precedes it

nah - that's a Scottish copper.
It's, "See you Jimmy."