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 Post subject: Not a 1 liner.
PostPosted: Thu Jan 03, 2019 4:11 pm 
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A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint, when a passing lizard asks, "Hey man! What you doin?" The monkey replies, "Smokin' a joint, come up and have a hit!" So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey, and they smoke a few joints.

After a while the lizard says his mouth is dry and he's going to the river to get a drink. He staggers over to the river, but is so stoned, he leans over too far and falls in. A crocodile sees this, swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side. Then he asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?" The lizard explains to the crocodile how he was chilling in the tree with the monkey, and got too stoned.

The crocodile says he has to check this out, and wanders off into the jungle.

He finds the tree where the monkey is sitting finishing up a joint. The crocodile yells up to the monkey and says "Hey Monkey!"

The monkey looks down and says, "Wow! Faaaar out! 'Kinell man! How much water did you drink?"

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 Post subject: Re: Not a 1 liner.
PostPosted: Thu Jan 03, 2019 4:16 pm 
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A mother visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was.She had long been suspicious of a
relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious....

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and
his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mum's thoughts, his son volunteered,
“I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you,we are just
roommates."

About a week later, his roommate came to him saying,
“Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just
to be sure." He sat down and wrote :

Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you ‘did not' take the silver plate But the fact
remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love,
your son.

Several days later, he received an email from
his Mother which read:

Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with your roommate, and
I'm not saying that you ‘do not' sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she
would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow…
Love,
Mum.

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 Post subject: Re: Not a 1 liner.
PostPosted: Thu Jan 03, 2019 5:40 pm 
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Posts: 3614
Monkeybutt wrote:
A mother visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was.She had long been suspicious of a
relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious....

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and
his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mum's thoughts, his son volunteered,
“I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you,we are just
roommates."

About a week later, his roommate came to him saying,
“Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just
to be sure." He sat down and wrote :

Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you ‘did not' take the silver plate But the fact
remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love,
your son.

Several days later, he received an email from
his Mother which read:

Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with your roommate, and
I'm not saying that you ‘do not' sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she
would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow…
Love,
Mum.


'Kinell, where did you dig that one up from? Must have seemed positively racy in about 1963. Gentlemen, that reminds me...


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 Post subject: Re: Not a 1 liner.
PostPosted: Fri Jan 04, 2019 11:27 am 
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A man starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.
First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.
As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him.
To show the others who's boss, he beats it to death with a spade.
Realising his employer won't be best pleased; he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts.
He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both.
What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything.
He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.
He moved on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South American bees.
As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the bees.
He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp.
By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion's cage - because lions eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.
He wanders up to another lion and says 'What's the food like here?'

The lions say 'Absolutely brilliant. Today we had fish, chimps with mushy bees.'

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 Post subject: Re: Not a 1 liner.
PostPosted: Fri Jan 04, 2019 12:38 pm 
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Monkeybutt wrote:
A man starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.
First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.
As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him.
To show the others who's boss, he beats it to death with a spade.
Realising his employer won't be best pleased; he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts.
He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both.
What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything.
He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.
He moved on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South American bees.
As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the bees.
He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp.
By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion's cage - because lions eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.
He wanders up to another lion and says 'What's the food like here?'

The lions say 'Absolutely brilliant. Today we had fish, chimps with mushy bees.'


:-)


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 Post subject: Re: Not a 1 liner.
PostPosted: Fri Jan 04, 2019 9:50 pm 
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A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight
into his eyes, and said, "I'd like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained,
"Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband;
That's against the law! I'll lose my license!
They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

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 Post subject: Re: Not a 1 liner.
PostPosted: Mon Jan 07, 2019 9:24 am 
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An English man, a Scotsman, an Irish man, a black man, a gay man, a disabled man, and a man who is no longer a man.... All walked into a bar.

The barman said.... "oh no.... You fuckers are all gonna have to leave cos some 'lovely lovely person' is definitely gonna be offended by whatever happens next."

As a result the bar went bust after turning away such a big group. The bar man's wife left him... Took the kids with her. He ended up on the streets and died in a biffa bin, drinking methylated spirits, trying to keep warm.

See what happens when you stop stupid jokes.... Nameless fictional people die... In biffa bins. Get a fucking grip!

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 Post subject: Re: Not a 1 liner.
PostPosted: Mon Jan 07, 2019 9:52 pm 
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Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor tiles. Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, she did the splits and suction-cupped herself to the floor.
She yelled out for her husband, "Bruce! Bruce!"
Bruce came running in.
"Bruce, I've bliddy suctioned myself to the floor," she said.
"Strewth," Bruce said, and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast girl! I'll go across the road and get Cobber."
They came back and they both tried to pull her up.
"No way, we can't do it," Cobber said, "so let's try Plan B."
"Plan B," exclaimed Bruce, "what's that?"
"I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles under her," replied Cobber.
"Spot on," Bruce said, "while you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her nipples."
"Play with her nipples?," Cobber said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate!"
"No," Bruce replied, "but if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are less expensive"

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 Post subject: Re: Not a 1 liner.
PostPosted: Tue Jan 08, 2019 12:22 pm 
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An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turk, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean

all go to a nightclub ..........................

The doorman stops them and says; "Sorry, I can’t let you in without a Thai!"

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 Post subject: Re: Not a 1 liner.
PostPosted: Tue Jan 08, 2019 1:01 pm 
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Location: Too close to Darlington
Monkeybutt wrote:
An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turk, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean

all go to a nightclub ....................

The doorman stops them and says; "Sorry, I can’t let you in without a Thai!"


clappp clappp Now I want to hear you tell this............


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 Post subject: Re: Not a 1 liner.
PostPosted: Tue Jan 08, 2019 1:01 pm 
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Posts: 727
Location: Too close to Darlington
Monkeybutt wrote:
An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turk, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean

all go to a nightclub ....................

The doorman stops them and says; "Sorry, I can’t let you in without a Thai!"


clappp clappp Now I want to hear you tell this............


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 Post subject: Re: Not a 1 liner.
PostPosted: Tue Jan 08, 2019 9:03 pm 
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Brian Honour's Left Foot wrote:
Monkeybutt wrote:
An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turk, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean

all go to a nightclub ...............

The doorman stops them and says; "Sorry, I can’t let you in without a Thai!"


clappp clappp Now I want to hear you tell this..........


Took 45 minutes to type, not a chance :hand:

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 Post subject: Re: Not a 1 liner.
PostPosted: Sat Jan 12, 2019 1:18 am 
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Women from across the UK attend a feminist seminar in Birmingham, the key note speaker comes on stage and talks about changing mens perception of women in the household and their roles.

She asks for 3 volunteers to take part in a project and come back next year to discuss the findings:-
Susan from Glasgow comes on stage to applause and is asked what problems she has with her husband, “ Jock comes hame from work and throws his bait box on the counter, slaps me on the bum and throws his work clothes on the floor in front of the washer, sits in front of the TV and shouts” Get us a brew hen”, gasps of horror come from the audience and Susan has a tear roll down her cheek, Cressida the key note speaker takes the microphone and says “ Go home to Scotland and tell Jock that you will no longer wash his clothes, fetch his beer or make his bait until he treats you as an equal”, crowd chant and stomp their feet and Susan strides off enthused to applause.

Jane from Southend comes on stage to applause and is asked the same question, her partner Dave comes home from work, dumps his clothes at the bottom of the stairs, puts on his joggers and plonks himself down in front of the TV and yells “ What`s for tea and bring me a tinnie” he will then say “ make sure you clean your teeth tonight its BJ night”, crowd are stunned into silence and Jane sobs with embarrassment, Cressida strides on stage and puts her arm around her, “ Go home to Southend and inform Dave you will longer do the tea, washing, waitress service or BJ night until he treats you as an equal, crowd stomp and chant and Jane strides off enthused.

Donna from Newcastle comes on stage to applause and is asked the same question, her husband Geordie comes home after being in the pub for 2 hours, grabs her tits and ass and back scuttles her over the washing machine, takes off his clothes and leaves them in a pile on the kitchen floor, cracks open a cold one and sends her out for kebab, drinks 8 more cans and demands sex again before bed, the crowd are horrified and you could hear a pin drop, Cressida looks visibly upset and she strides over to comfort Donna, “Go home to Newcastle and inform Geordie you will no longer be treated in this way and demand equality, no more scuttles, takeaway, washing, ironing or cleaning until this happens, Donna drops to her knees and sobs, the crowd stand and applaud her and she trudges off.
A year passed and the feminist seminar meets again, Cressida comes on to applause and after a few notices reminds the audience of the project with Susan, Jane and Donna, Susan is invited back to polite applause and is asked to reveal her findings.
Susan strides on to the stage with gusto and says she went hame to Glasgie and informed Jock of the changes required and the conditions, after the first week nothing much changed but the second week he made the tea and hoovered and by week three he was sharing the chores and she was the happiest she had ever been, the crowd went apeshit, whooping and hollering and she left to a standing ovation with her arms aloft.

Jane came on and told a similar story, Dave did nothing much in the first week, did a bit more the second and by week three was sharing the workload and Jane was as happy as she could be, crowd went ballistic and stomped and hollered, she left the stage to an ovation.

Donna came on the stage looking furtive and took the microphone and said” I went home to Geordie and told him NO MORE, crowd whooped, no more sex, cleaning, ironing or anything until he treated her as an equal, crowd cheered wildly and she said “ after the first day I saw nowt, after the second and third day I saw nowt but by the fourth day I could just see out of the corner of my right eye!

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 Post subject: Re: Not a 1 liner.
PostPosted: Sat Jan 12, 2019 7:41 am 
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‘Hilarious’ joke about domestic abuse there.

The 1970’s has just called, it wants it’s material back.


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 Post subject: Re: Not a 1 liner.
PostPosted: Sat Jan 12, 2019 10:48 am 
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A football supporter whose team have not won at home for almost a year was arrested after pulling his pants down during a match. Fellow Sunderland fans said the teenager defecated on his seat during a 3-1 defeat to Reading at the Stadium of light. A club spokesman said the matter was in the hands of the Northumbria Police.

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 Post subject: Re: Not a 1 liner.
PostPosted: Sat Jan 12, 2019 10:54 am 
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Due to unforeseen circumstances, clairvoyant Trisha will not be appearing in the Kevin Bird Suite tomorrow night.
A Tweet from Mansfield Town Football Club.

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 Post subject: Re: Not a 1 liner.
PostPosted: Sat Jan 12, 2019 10:56 am 
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A couple from South Wales have appeared at Hammersmith Magistrates Court after being captured on CCTV having sex in public at the Westfield Shopping Centre. The magistrate said that the couple would now be temporarily excluded from coming within the M25.
From The Metro.

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 Post subject: Re: Not a 1 liner.
PostPosted: Sat Jan 12, 2019 2:11 pm 
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I was a very happy man.

My wonderful Italian girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me....It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less.

She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view.

It had to be deliberate.

Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.

She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.

She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo... And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law put down his shotgun and hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car !

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 Post subject: Re: Not a 1 liner.
PostPosted: Sun Jan 13, 2019 1:19 pm 
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Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.
"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.
"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."
"Sensible" says Jeff.
"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."
"And what happened then?"
(Paul slumps back over the bar again.)
"I kicked her in the face!"

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 Post subject: Re: Not a 1 liner.
PostPosted: Wed Jan 16, 2019 9:19 pm 
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Little boy goes running into his parents bedroom and sees the dad in his chaps and his mother in a cheer leaders outfit going at it, he shrieks " What you doin to mom dad?", the dad replies " go to your room son and i`ll be in in 20 minutes.
15 minutes later the dad hears a scream coming from his sons bedroom, he rushes in to find the kid having sex with his grandma, " what the hell son?"
The son shouts " Not so funny when it`s your mother is it"!

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