I'm not normally scared of them but I'vebroken down on the M69 and am standing in the undergrowth next to the hard shoulder waiting for the RAC. There's hundreds of great big fast spiders running around and I'm terrified one of them is going to sneak up my trouser leg.

Put laggy bands on your trousers legs.

Can you send me some down please?

Take off your duds and put them on the outside of your trousers and tie them in a figure of 8 around your legs instead.

Top advice! It's a bit hard to strip off discretely though with hundreds of cars going past.

If you watch Youtube, Mr Bean will show you how to remove your undies without revealing anything.

Or actually he may just show you how to get a pair of undies on whenever already wearing trousers. Which wont be any use unless you had a spare pair of duds.

In which case you wouldnt need to remove any anyway.

Ignore me.

About to drive home from work so will beep if I see anyone being killed by spiders with their knickers round their trousers.

Have a shit in the undegrowth further along from your car and this will attract flies and then the spiders will scurry along there to eat the flies....job done!!!!

The good news is that the RAC man turned up before any spiders crawled up my legs.

The bad news is that my head gasket has gone so I'll have to scrap the car.

But the good news is that I've got a spare car on the drive.

Then the bad news is that although it runs ok its full of mould.

Pfffft! Spiders my arse!

We've got to put up with camel spiders (Google them) out here bigger than your hand, fucking horrible things, as well as the big black scorpions, poisonous snakes and wolves!

And then there's ISIS just a few hundred miles away.........

Happy days.

Where do live like, the Forest of Dean?

He lives in Darlo!

Just watching spiderman, how ironic!

I don't know who this Dean is or why he owns a forest.

Working in Basra.