....Devon Malcolm the former England fast bowler has bought the club, he along with Konnie Huq, a daughter in law of Wilson Hepplewhite, and former Mail delivery girl for the Clavering Estate, have formed a collaboration with Dexter Morgan and the drummer from the band the Happy Monday's to annex a breakaway group led by Mike Neville and Phillipa Thomson, who in unison with River Phoenix's Uncle Billy Trundle, the bloke who owns the rights to the Go Compare Franchise, have informed the owners of Chislehurst caves in the County of Kent that keeping pickled onions in a confined enviroment without written permission from the Duke of Monmouthshire will lead to premature blindness in ball boys who dont wear tracksuit bottoms in a shade of blue.

......This is wot i heard cos it is true innit..

Your natural ability to spin a fast one is acknowledged sir!