This afternoon I went to the Post Office, and I pulled up to reverse park into a space opposite. A gadgie in a hi-vis jacket was stood where I wanted to reverse, pointed to a lorry parked across the road on double yellows, and said 'You can't park here, I need to swing round to get round the back of the shops'. Given that there were several other cars preventing his manoeuvre, I ignored him and told him to bollocks. When I got out of the car he asked where I was going and how long I would be. Again I told him to bollocks.

This was a bizarre enough start! Whilst I was in the queue in the Post Office I noticed a gadgie being served had a fecking huge parrot on his shoulder. Not only that, his top had white shitey streaks down the back, presumably from the parrot.

Then I noticed an old gadgie at the counter who simply couldn't put his card in the chip and pin machine the right way. The lass behind the counter was getting exasperated, 'not that way, put the hologram side face down...now turn it round...no back the way you had it...wrong way...turn it over again...hologram side face down'

The parrot squawked a couple of times, then the bloke who was having trouble with his card collapsed in a heap. Me and the bloke with the parrot on his shoulder helped him to his feet. When I thought things couldn't get any more strange, one of the counter staff said 'here, I've got you a seat' to the nose-diver, and handed him a very high bar stool. The parrot bloke wisely pointed out that it wasn't the most sensible choice of furniture, as it was a long way down from there, particularly when your balance isn't too good.

By now I was convinced I was in a dream, and that at any moment I would be chased out of the Post Office by a giant giro then wake up. But no, I handed my parcel over and left, the old gadgie now seated in a chair with arms on it.

What does it all mean?

It means you've been in my local with less than two sixty to spend!

What was the parrots name,and did you mention it to the guy he had a parrot on his shoulder.

I've had some horiffic dreams this week .Just what do they put in them nicotine patches i am wearing ?..

Errmmmmm.....nicotine.....

Well smoking ciggies never dreamt up the old slappers i've bedded this week .

Like the Darlo Ladies Football team??

You mightn't have dreamt it ... it would explain the beige thong on your washing line.

Life is just one huge dream - and it quite clearly wasn't a deceased parrot (unless they defecate in their death throes). Other than that had you had hallucinigen on toast for breakfast?

Did the mushrooms taste funny.