Not sure what black magic or bribery system is used for civilians but here is how the military work it.
(Courtesy of Arrse)

Member of the Order of the British Empire

The MBE is the lesser grade within the family of the order. Once, only hossifers received this gong, but since the declassification (to some extent at least) of the Honours system in 1993, even a Lance Jack can receive it - though just exactly what said bod would have to do to be elevated to such dizzy heights beggars belief. Such occurrences, however, do happen - usually much to the chagrin of superiors who positively implode at the mere thought of bottom-feeding pond life having post nominal letters - and ones bestowed by Auntie Betty herself no less!



Officer of the Order of the British Empire

... or rather what's left of it. A 'blinged up' version of the MBE in gold... plate (don't get excited). This is the next step up the ladder towards a Knighthood. In the military world the OBE carries considerably more kudos than its lesser counterpart and you really have to do some serious fellatio to be considered for one. In nearly all cases, OBEs tend to be awarded to worthies of Lt Col rank, although precedent exists for lower ranking individuals to be awarded one. Lesser mortals get the MBE.

The awards within the Civil Division of the order are generally viewed as worthless, being conferred with gay abandon twice a year on anyone who's either kicked a ball, done a bit of running & jumping or banged enough arse in the arts and music 'industry'. There is little difference between MBE and OBE recipients in the non-military world. Who gets what is determined on how many lollipops have been held aloft, balls kicked, distance ran and semen dispensed.



Commander of the (Most Excellent) Order of the British Empire

Congratulations, you're well on your way to the pantheon of übergods, but don't start getting all 'Your Lordship' just yet. One for the Colonels and Brigadiers of the world, the CBE is quite pretty and stands out from the other bling. It's a fancy enamelled blue colour and this time it hangs 'round your neck for all to see instead of getting lost amongst all your other (no doubt well deserved) tinware.

The CBE is, however, still considered a 'lower' grade of the order, so, close... but no cigar. And no tappety tap of Betty's sword on your shoulder either. Look on the bright side, at least you didn't have to spend fifty years of your life humiliating yourself on stage and screen to get this gong.


Companion of the Most Honourable Order of the Bath

Halfway between the CBE and a KBE/KCB in the general pecking order of seniority. As the position of the award within the order is that of mere companion it means that the elusive title of 'Sir' is still some way off. Not to worry. As you're probably of Major General rank it's highly likely that you've already been earmarked for greater things, and in any case, lots of people call you 'Sir' anyway.

Still, you'll get the (by now familiar) trip to the big house whereupon the boss will give you a rather spiffing keepsake as a memento of your trip. It looks a little bit like the Blue Max and is far superior to its civvy equivalent. In no time at all you'll be largeing it up in the Officers Mess like the fucking Red Baron. Alternatively, you could register your disgust at being passed over for a Knighthood by flogging the gong on eBay and slapping your resignation on your own desk before saluting yourself in the mirror and marching out.



Knight Commander of the (Most Excellent) Order of the blah de blah.

It's a Knighthood! Well done. You've made it. You'll be either a Major or Lieutenant General and as such you've got the trip to the big house and the sword treatment. And you even get two badges! One to hang around your neck like the CBE, and a rather spiffy star-thing to wear on your blues and twos. Do not wear with/on CS95 or shell suit as it looks totally mong.

You are now a real 'Sir'. Get those business cards and cheques amended immediately. Just what you did to get this baby only you will know. Does your jaw ache perchance? Civvy Division holders of the KBE are invariably homosexuals, New Labour donors, buisiness magnets or leftie queers with a successful empire of sweat shops.

If you're a Doris and you've munched enough carpet or helmet at the MoD, then it's a Damehood for you. A DBE. Same tin. Different label. Next step up from this is the GBE - Knight (or Dame) Grand Cross of the order. Not a fcuking chance sucker. Not unless you start banging off serious quantities of brown envelopes to Neu Arbeit's Central Office. But - as you're probably already on their cards anyway from your last 'donation' - you never know.


Knight (or Dame) Commander of the Most Honourable Order of the Bath.

Smokin! Your career is hurtling onwards like a spakker in a magnet factory, and you're finally a real Sir. Available to Lieutenant Generals and above only, you didn't get this gong for blubbing to the BBC. Well done! You are now elevated to such lofty heights as to be right up there with the immortals... like Sir Alan McIlwraith. You'll get the customary invite to the bash at Liz's gaff and be given the most wonderful of shiny things to strut about in. Even the local homie niggaz will be both astounded and amazed at your blingage. Respec! Next stop... GCB. Don't even go there!

NB Sir Alan McIlwraith

http://www.arrse.co.uk/wiki/Alan_McIlwraith

http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/news/tm_ob ... _page.html

http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/news/tm_ob ... _page.html

farking hell, this bloke has a job???? Who the fack gave him a job ?? He needs a psychiatrist - and more than likely, a straight jacket and some big needles with happy fluids

he looks like a complete twat