Circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the object you wish to view.

Always shit at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the fucking thing in the first place, you fat bastard.

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cake again.

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by running a bit slower.

Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know the difference.

Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.

High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your roof.

Corsa drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems anyway, so it may as well look like one.

A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by banging your feet twice on each stair.

At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next customer Please' sign for dyslexic shoppers.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

It's right that, Corsa drivers drive like nutters. What're they trying to prove.

Not all of them like but the two in Warrington yesterday did.

Strange that Warrington doesn't have a footy team. Well not of any note anyway.

Maybe all the footy playes have been run down by Corsa drivers

I've got a Corsa on hire and find it hard to see how anyone can drive a car as slow as that like a nutter!

who in their right mind would put Gin [precious Gin] in a goldfish bowl???!
weirdos

Well, because it holds more than a glass....

But not quite as much as Durham based , Poolie bint fan though eh??

I never drink more than one bowl at once

Nooo....

But I heard you don't meg the goldfish out neither...

I can see the toilet bowl beckoning tonight....

the Book of Top Tips is a cracking read!!!